Tangled Web
by Izzy Yuki Hime
Summary: A series of angsty drabbles about Puckleberry, not necessarily linked. Dark, with themes of violence. Very AU, very twisted in some cases.
1. Rough Hands

**A/N: I wanted to explore something a little darker with Puckleberry - there certainly seems to be potential for it.**

Song is 'Rough Hands' by Alexisonfire

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of the characters from Glee. **

* * *

**Rough Hands**

It was always the same; this creeping feeling of fear gnawing at her stomach. She'd be fine, managing to control her anxieties and keep her breathing slow and normal. And then she would look into his eyes and she would come apart. Because when she looked at him, she saw he was empty inside; dead and hollow.

She knew why it was. Ever since he'd given up his daughter for adoption, she'd watched him shrink inside himself, the guilt eating him away until there was nothing left to eat, and he was completely void of any emotion or compassion. In his view, he'd become his father, and he wasn't capable of facing up to that guilt. So he'd turned inwards, and this shell of a man was all that was left of him.

She'd tried to fix him – tried to save him. She'd failed, miserably not taking into account the power of seven years of anger, pain and guilt. So now she helped him the only way she knew how. And as he bruised her, fingers biting into flesh as he buried himself inside her harshly, she held tightly to him, knowing that if this was the only thing keeping him from taking steps to end it all, she'd do it for as long as she had to, even if it meant she was slowly going insane herself.

They were a twisted pair, it was certain. He used her to tie himself to the world; to give him a reason to stay. She used to give herself a purpose; to feel wanted by someone. It was callous love, appreciating only the moment and the sensations as they clung to each other, two drowning souls in a storm that never seemed to end.

And so it continued, until one day some years later, she left. No note, no indication of where she was going or if she was coming back. He was just left with his bottles, staring at his hands and wondering how it'd had come to this.


	2. Bye Bye Boyfriend

**A/N: **Song is 'Bye Bye Boyfriend' by Fefe Dobson

* * *

**Bye Bye Boyfriend**

She'd started going with him a few years after college – he was a bad boy who reminded her of someone she'd used to know. He had a lip ring, and walked with that same kind of tough-guy swagger that she remembered so well; but the man she'd used to know, he'd worn it a little better.

Living in New York wasn't a walk in the park, and trying to make a break on Broadway certainly didn't come easy. He'd been someone who had been separate from that world; someone she could come home to and just leave it all behind for a few hours, before going back to rehearsals and chorus lines, squeezing auditions in here and there when she had the time. And he'd been a welcome change from what she was doing day after day. But as time wore on, so did he.

He wasn't the man she'd loved all those years ago. He wasn't the same underneath the exterior; unlike Noah, he was just as stupid on the inside as he was externally. There was no care, no sensitivity and not nearly as much talent. He'd been a poor replacement for the man she'd had to leave behind her to try and achieve her dreams. And now, she'd finally had enough. Things were actually starting to look up, and she'd had enough of this man who never did _anything_ and continually took from her.

So she kicked him out. He seemed genuinely sad that she was dumping him, but she wasn't sure if that was because he'd be moving out of her apartment, or if he'd actually miss her. She didn't really give a fuck either way. She was in arm's reach of a leading role, and she didn't need him anymore; didn't have time for a waste of space like him. He wasn't Noah, and that wasn't enough. He had to go, and that was the end of it.


	3. Cry Me A River

**A/N: **Song is 'Cry Me A River' by Michael Buble

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**Cry Me A River**

_Now you say you're lonely__  
__You cry the whole night through__  
__Well, you can cry me a river, cry me a river__  
__I cried a river over you_

She was still angry with him, all these years later. When he'd called the other day, she'd hung up on him as soon as he'd started to apologise. She'd ignored the twenty or so calls from him since then. She just didn't want to face him; to hear him_ finally_ admit that he was in the wrong. Because once he did, she'd have to start to try and heal the weeping sore in her heart, and she wasn't sure she knew how.

_And now you say you're sorry__  
__For being so untrue__  
__Well, you can cry me a river, cry me a river__  
__'Cause I cried a river over you_

He'd emailed her two days ago, telling her that he was sorry, and explaining everything. He told her about why he'd cheated on her all those years ago, and had opened himself up to her. But he'd underestimated how bitter she'd become.

_You drove me nearly out of my head__  
__While you never shed a tear, babe__  
__Remember, I remember all that you said__  
__You told me love was too plebeian__  
__Told me you were through with me_

She'd gone something close to crazy when it had happened. He'd been her world, and when he'd taken that away from her, she'd cracked a little. He'd scorned her tears, telling her it was like they'd been exclusive anyway, so they might as well end it if she was going to be such a clingy, whiny woman about it. His words had cut her to the bone.

_And now you say you love me__  
__Well, just to prove that you do__  
__Why don't you cry me a river, cry me a river?__  
__'Cause I cried a river over you, over you_

She hoped he was miserable without her. It sounded like it, and she revelled in it somehow. She wanted him to suffer the way she had – and no declarations that she was the one he'd wanted all along were going to persuade her out of it. She didn't believe him anymore, not after what had happened.

_You say you love me, but you lie_

_Now you say you love me__  
__Well, just to prove that you do__  
__Come on and cry me a river, oh, cry me a river__  
__I cried a river over you, I cried a river over you_

Her voice surged towards the crux of the song, belting out the last few notes, shattering the stillness of the auditorium where she was auditioning. She was perfect and she knew it. She supposed that he could be thanked for this – for pushing her to be so utterly driven and determined. After all, she was already taking small roles on Broadway, and she'd only been in New York for three years. Now he might get her the first lead of her life.

_I cried a river, now you can too__  
__Cry me a river, cry me a river_

The director was wowed, clearly. He gave her a huge thumbs-up, and she walked off the stage with a satisfied smile. Her eyes pierced the darkness, meeting those of the man watching her from the back of the room. Her gaze never wavered, and when he looked away, she smirked, much like he'd used to, before walking out into the day. _Now you can see what it feels like, Noah Puckerman_.


	4. Special Two

**A/N: **Song is 'Special Two' by Missy Higgins. Loosely linked to 'Bye Bye Boyfriend'.

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**Special Two**

Leaving him was one of the hardest things she'd ever done. They'd been together for so long; through so much. She knew that by cutting ties with him, she might as well be cutting out her own heart, but with the same breath, she knew she had to do it. There was no place for him in New York, and even though she knew he would have followed her to the ends of the earth if she'd ask, she also knew that he would pine to be doing what he'd dreamed of. And of course he could be an architect in New York, but she knew that he wanted to be in Lima – to help make the town of his childhood into something bigger and better than what it was.

She'd stayed in her dorm room for three days solidly after she'd done it, unable to face the thought of seeing him around campus at Columbus, and cut to her core that he didn't come and bang on her door until she gave in and took him back. But when she remembered the look on his face and the words she'd said, not out of truth but out of necessity to keep him from her, she knew why. And more than that, she'd crossed boundaries she'd said she'd never cross, and now she found herself without purpose or direction, not having guidelines to live her life by anymore.

And now, years on, she remembered the feeling like it was yesterday – the sick loneliness and stabbing pain that twisted her insides until she couldn't eat; couldn't sleep; could hardly breathe sometimes. She felt choked just thinking about it, and contemplating walking up to his door made her feel like she was about to be sick. But she also knew that if she never confronted her fears; didn't speak to him, she would never have a chance to tell him that even now, even with these years between of them and the line of men who she'd tried to replace him with, she only loved him, and she would fight with every breath in her body until they could go back to how they were. She just wanted to fall back into his arms, and into the world they'd built for one another where it was just the two of them – the special two.


	5. New Romantic

**A/N: **Song is 'New Romantic' by Laura Marling. Set earlier than any of the previous, but unrelated.

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**New Romantic**

She still felt guilty about breaking up Finn and Quinn. When she looked at the blonde cheerleader she felt a twinge in her stomach, and looked away as quickly a possible, trying to fight the voices in her head that told her what she did was wrong.

Finn always tried to make her work things out with him. He tried hard, and she knew that she was the one who should be doing that, not him. She was the one who'd lured him into this, and she was the one who had made him want her. And now she was looking at him knowing that she didn't want him anymore, despite all that she'd said and done. She also knew that he would never understand her; the fact he'd put Bryan Adams on was testament to that.

And then there was Puck, who in so many ways was like Finn, but in so many ways was different to him. Puck, who she called Noah, who was her best friend. Puck who had told her that she was the one for him; who asked her how much she cared about Finn and clearly wanted to know if she liked him enough to stay with him. And there she was, unable to answer him, knowing she would leave Finn for this boy, but at this moment in time, she cared more about Finn than she ever had, even though she would always want Puck.

She pitied any man who tried to understand her or tried to get close to her. She knew she was a mess. And she was sorry for any heartbreak she might cause. But she also knew that she could never love again because love...love just hurt you.


	6. 2 Hearts

**A/N: **Song is '2 Hearts' by the Sugababes. Linked to 'Bye Bye Boyfriend' and 'Special Two'.

* * *

**2 Hearts**

Puck watched her going, his heart shattered into something like several thousand pieces. She'd said things he hadn't believed she could say; she'd been crueller than he'd thought possible, being more like the old Santana or Quinn, not like Rachel Berry. Not like his girlfriend of five years, who he knew better than he knew himself.

And the worst thing was, he knew she didn't mean it. She might have been a great actress, hailed as the next big thing at Columbus, but he'd always been able to tell when she was lying. At that moment in time, she was lying like she'd never lied before, but that didn't make a word of what she said true. He knew why she was doing it – to give him a reason to hate her, so he could stay in Ohio without feeling guilty at not going to New York with her. And even though it killed him, he realised that if she loved him enough to break her own heart, he had to be strong enough to let her go. He knew that if he went with her, she would feel guilty every day for keeping him from _his _dreams so she could achieve hers. So he stayed away from her, and let her go even though it felt like he was putting his heart through a meat grinder.

He carried on watching her though, maybe through some masochistic need to see her. He charted her rise to fame, knowing she would be working herself to the bone to achieve this. He tried to ignore the men she was spotted with, and tried to tell himself that the resemblances he saw to himself were figments of his imagination; wishful thinking. She would have moved on by now, he was sure of it. But in the back of his mind, he couldn't help wishing that this was just another fight that they had to get through; another bump in the road.


	7. Sober

**A/N: **Song is 'Sober' by P!nk

* * *

**Sober**

Alone in her apartment, Rachel felt a huge sense of relief wash over her. She'd been out since 7am the previous morning, and had finally made it back at 6am. She's spent the night out with her fellow cast members, celebrating the end of their first season. But for once, she'd not wanted to drown her sorrows and she'd sat in the corner, the victory of success palpably tainted with the bite of loneliness; the sting of Noah's absence. She knew it had been years, but she still couldn't help wishing he'd walk into her life one day, and tell her he didn't care what she said, he was there to stay.

She was happy alone, she knew that much. She knew that she'd reached a point where she was comfortable on her own, and didn't need anyone else to make her felt complete. She ignored the voice that told her this was because there was only _one_ person who could complete her. She ignored the hole in her heart, and sat on the bed with a sigh, massaging her tired feet. She should be drunk, she knew that. She also knew that lately...she liked the nights where she could remember what she did, even if the loneliness was acute. She enjoyed the sharp memories, and being the one behind the camera for a change.

She knew she was safer on her own. She knew that going to find Noah would only lead to rejection, or worse still, having to tear herself away from him again. But in the back of her mind, there was always the whisper of doubt that told her maybe it was better to sacrifice her hard-earned dreams if it meant she could have a life with the man who was clearly the only man she would ever love.


	8. Where I Stood

**A/N:** Song is 'Where I Stood' by Missy Higgins. Set after Season 1, but unrelated to previous drabbles.

* * *

**Where I Stood**

_I don't know what I've done__  
__Or if I like what I've begun__  
__But something told me to run__  
__And honey you know me it's all or none_

She'd woken up one day, and she'd felt choked. Looking around her room, seeing his letterman's jacket slung over her chair, and the photos of them scattered around, she suddenly felt like she couldn't breathe. Sometimes, his love was like a stranglehold in its intensity.

_There were sounds in my head__  
__Little voices whispering__  
__That I should go and this should end__  
__Oh and I found myself listening_

Looking back, she knew she'd got scared. She'd woken up and felt like it was all too much too fast, and if she didn't leave now there would be no escape. Inside her head, all she could hear were voices telling her that she had to leave – to put an end to this and run while she still could. So she'd broken up with him, even though her heart was tearing inside her chest.

_Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you__  
__All I know is that I should__  
__And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you__  
__All I know is that I should__  
__Cause she will love you more than I could__  
__She who dares to stand where I stood_

She had to learn for herself who she was without him. She'd depended on him for so many months now, and she knew she couldn't carry on that way. She'd left him so she could find herself, hard as it was without him at her side.

_See I thought love was black and white__  
__That it was wrong or it was right__  
__But you ain't leaving without a fight__  
__And I think I am just as torn inside__  
_

He hadn't agreed. He'd fought for her; come after her so many times when she walked away. But she could see that every time she'd walked away, he'd hurt a little more inside. He'd found it harder not to let her ago, and she knew that he was just as confused as she'd been.

_Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you__  
__All I know is that I should__  
__And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you__  
__All I know is that I should__  
__Cause she will love you more than I could__  
__She who dares to stand where I stood_

Watching him seeking comfort in the arms of a girl who'd once been her enemy was like a knife in her heart. She'd know it would happen, and looking back, she knew she'd had to do it; had to resist taking it all back and running to him if only the other girl would leave. Watching her lay fingerprints on him and claim him was heartbreaking but she knew it was what she ought to do.

_And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call__  
__You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all__  
__But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you__  
__This is what I have to do_

She'd extended the hand of friendship, painful as it was in their new circumstances. He'd taught her things she could never have discovered on her own, and she'd never forget that; she told him as much, even though it half killed her to admit it.

_Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you__  
__All I know is that I should__  
__And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you__  
__All I know is that I should__  
__Cause she will love you more than I could__  
__She who dares to stand where I stood__  
__Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood_

She was stronger than Rachel had ever managed to be. She'd got through having a baby in high school and giving away the child that had grown inside her for nine months. She was as tough as nails, and her love was unfaltering as time. She'd dared to take Rachel's place, and because of that, she knew this girl who took her place would love him more than she'd ever managed. She would take care of him like no other, and she would heal the hurt. And maybe in time, Rachel would forgive her, and maybe, just maybe, she'd forgive herself she thought as she watched them together.


	9. Rehab

**A/N: **Song is 'Rehab feat. Justin Timberlake' by Rihanna

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**Rehab**

He sent lightning through her skin with a glance, and his touch started something like a forest fire inside her. He'd come into her life out of nowhere, a man behind the slushies with a heart that bled and broke. He was a man without limits; a man who did not hide his emotions, did not change himself to please others. He was raw and addictive and she could hardly get enough of him. He was like a drug, and she took as much of him as she could get, no matter what the consequences of that might be.

Of course, it was no surprise when it turned out that just as she was using him, he was using her. It stung somewhat, but what she felt most keenly was the loss of him; the craving for his presence; the desire in his eyes; the electricity in his touch that made her feel wildly alive. She was addicted and she knew it. And yet she couldn't keep herself from letting him back into her life, again and again, even though when he left, she felt as if she'd been emptied out and was hollow inside.

She turned to others to help her, and she knew she had to get herself away from him. He was like an infection in her blood that she couldn't cure; he was a disease. Her fixation with him was compulsive to the point of being dangerous. She had to slowly wean herself off him before she did something really stupid. And not for the first time, she wished there was some kind of rehab for addiction to other people.


	10. Apologize

**A/N: **Song is Silverstein's cover of 'Apologize' by One Republic. Features mentions of self-harm and alcoholism.

* * *

**Apologize**

She had been the one person who could save him, or so he'd thought. As she sat in front of him nervously, hands folded in her lap, twisting in each other anxiously he wondered how he could ever have believed that. She spoke, but although he heard every word, somehow he wasn't taking it in; wasn't listening to the explanations and apologies that seemed so much like lies.

She'd kept him afloat; held him above the shit storm that had been his life for so many years. And then she dropped him squarely back in it by going off with his best friend again, leaving him with a broken heart, empty bottles and new scars. Now she sat here, telling her she was sorry and she wanted them to try again. But looking down at his scarred knuckles and the thick lines of scar tissue on his arms, he knew it was too late.

He'd defended her, protected her, given up time and money to make her happy. He'd put more effort into her than any other girl. He'd loved her with a burning passion that had rapidly cooled when she'd ditched him seemingly without a second thought. He'd thought she was different. But it seemed like he was wrong.

She sat there looking at him like maybe it was all going to be ok; like maybe there was a chance they could make this work and he could forgive her. She was wrong. After a life of being let down by one person after another, she was just one more disappointment. Except she'd actually made him believe it could be different, and that was why it hurt even more. It was too late to try and start again because now, his hopes had been thoroughly shattered and trodden into the dirt. Now he was just the Lima loser they'd always said he was. And because of that, it was too late to say she was sorry and to ask for another chance. It was too late to apologise.


End file.
